I don’t know what love is. I don’t really know how it feels or it is supposed to be felt. I have felt the feeling of being heard, seen, supported and for me maybe that’s how love should be in these small little things and so much more as life brings further.
It’s during those times of schooling when I had this habit of writing and my friends going through such love feels and separation. That’s when I became hard on love, my thought process changed because of the pain my friends were feeling. No I ain’t comparing myself with them. But the feeling of love is so disillusioned. My friends ran towards me to share them all and listen to them for once, they cried, they weeped. Yes the ones who were smiling from within during those times of togetherness. This made me question?
What if ? All these love brings the same.
Yes. I had a crush. Everybody has. But I felt it temporary and with time it got all vanished. Note : I never confessed maybe out of fear or I never saw myself as falling in love. Well that was just crush.
Time passed. Ended up schooling. Had good memories and hardships of friends leaving. But I was involved and happy about one thing that was someone who was junior to me. When I was in 12, he was in 11, that’s when we interacted with each other through our mutual friends. I don’t exactly remember who started the conversation. All I knew, he was someone so blissful and we had something in common to share and in couple of months we became close friends. I left my schooling , we were unhappy but one has to get ahead in life. I saw him as a family. I believed him. Everything was merry. People doubted us , what if there is something going on , they actually wanted us to be together but for us, we called each other as best friends. We were very chill about all these that even if people talked about it we would laugh it out. Well, we never talked seriously about it.
As I said, I never talked about love or loving. Because I don’t really know this feeling. With time I have been hard on love. A little fearful. I always looked for someone who would confess me right in front of me. Not because I don’t love them , reject them or would leave them silently but because I don’t know. I really don’t know that’s why I seek for some silence where I might share it all. But for now I don’t really know what is it or how it feels. Well writing this right here feels like I’m crippled.
Coming back to my bestfriend,
We were our go-to person. We had our promises & daily conversations. I used to wait for him as he would tell his everyday stories at school. What happened with him, how he felt, everything. That’s a really good thing about bond to share to communicate. Right?
We met often. With him I had no fear about anything or about people seeing us around. I have almost met him in front of my home. I parents doubted too hahahah! *Laughing*
But we never confessed anything even if it was more than best friendship. As I said, I don’t know how it feels even if I felt. For me that “relation” is important “togetherness” is everything. So I seek for someone to confess. But what if he leaves one day? Things that happens with all?
He left for his further studies, to cut it short , after a year, he changed with time. The communication wasn’t still. He wanted to share so many things but left with things unsaid. Yes. He left one day. He told me things that I would never believe. He left me destructed. He saw me crying. I tried to talk to him. I begged for him to speak his mind. But nothing calmed him, he was stuck in his decision of leaving. I cried in front of his guy bestfriend. That’s when I felt helpless. That’s when I cried for days? months? years?
Well that’s when I realised I loved him but I was too late to say him. Still I never confessed him till date. Because I don’t know what was it after all he was also a son of my father’s friend. How would I confess? What would I say? I knew it from before that I started falling for him as he said he would leave for further studies.
I cried to myself silently on his leaving. But I never stopped him. I never said no. I wanted him to fulfill his dreams, to be one successful person. I knew there would be distance someday. But I always wanted to be there.
Anyways things changed. I have moved on. He has moved on. Everything changed between us. We are no more bestfriends. He tried to contact me quite often after all the mess over messages but all I wanted was “truth” over meeting’ which he never made or confessed. That’s alright.
Years passed. Few friends knew about it. They were always there to support me.
I was devastated. I stopped communicating with everyone. I never went close to anyone. I was on a silent mode. I never payed attention to any of mutual friends or strangers messages. People tried to ask for a meeting but I was always ready with a “no” or an excuse.
My friend told me to communicate, to try talking, for how long would you stay aloof? Not everybody is same, give them a chance. You never know who feels like a blessing. They made me understand and explained me always. But deep inside I knew what the ending might be and would feel. I was zoned out. It was hard for me to even believe in friendships. I was hurt, broken and what not? That stage of my life, I fear. But it has made me grown stronger than ever with time. I became a little more harder on love. Everybody leaves yeah no matter what the seasons or promises.
It was mid/December 2018, when I started looking for myself and changed. Slowly I helped myself. I stopped crying in front of my friends. I didn’t want to be helpless anymore or someone who would see me weak. I grew stronger. I distanced myself from thinking to fall in love or to let anyone come closer to me.
It was 2019 , when suddenly life changed upside-down. Someone came into my life. We started communicating. I don’t know how that happened we became friends, close friends. We never met each other. But he was someone who made me happy AGAIN. Because I had forgotten the feeling of happiness. But he was someone who made me feel seen, supported. Everything AGAIN was merry. We just involved into talking day and night. He became an important part of my life. It was important for us to know about each other’s day. He did everything on his part to keep me into communications & emotions. We shared one of the best times. Well I don’t know about him, but I did. Because you should have seen him with “that smile”
There was some connection between us , I felt and as my friends told it seems like he loves you, and I doubted on what was it? He never confessed but I had always been hard on love. Still I tried on my part be it less. I never wanted to feel helpless again after that stage years back.
But as said, nothing last forever. Hence he proved again. He distanced himself and left me silently. He promised to stay but that’s what everybody says? I tried talking to him, I asked him to say? But he never shared. His hurt, his silence was more important than me and our bond. So that’s when it was time to bid him goodbye without a say. But the question still remains.
Love. You see. So confusing. So gentle. Like a glass, it breaks and is never the same. I was hurt again. I was devastated. I feel alone but I never run back again because someone who said would stay will he be there still the same? Or is he seeking for the same? Alas. Sob. Sob.
Love. What is it? When I don’t even know how the first kiss feels.
Flirt. When I don’t even let anybody come close to me.
Love! Love! Love! Let it be. .
Love as I see is beyond perfection. I want us to talk not only when we are merry and you promise and cherish me a lifetime together. But when we are sad, hurt, angry, annoyed because of one that’s when we share the flaws that’s when we respect our differences and care for each other a little more. To talk it out. To communicate. That’s when we think over our own flaws and correct it gradually rather than creating walls and walking silently.
Sometimes we are not aware of our own flaws that’s when our partner comes in role to work on it together. Just like sometimes what we see or hear might not be the truth.
What togetherness is for you? What is loyalty for you? What is happiness for you? What is the truth for you? What is perfection? What is love ?
Everything seemed so merry than what are the causes?
Sharing, learning and overcoming together that’s the support everyone seeks. Right?
Than why do we lack in sharing , in communicating. Why do we feel like a burden? Like the opposite one won’t really understand? Why are you even together if you think this way? And why do you think one is happy and the other one is sad and vice versa when both shared everything in common other than social media norms.
What you see might not be the truth.
Love. Love. Love. I don’t really know how to love. Oh dear! What is love?
How do they overcome after one such feeling? Why do they appear to just disappear one day like it was NOTHING.
Oh love. I know nothing about you.